You’ve heard how big a fan I am of online discussion lists for networking.  However, ever so often I am reminded of the more frustrating side of a list . . . .

Here’s what not to do online. This week on one of the mental health professionals’ lists (I subscribe to many), two members started lecturing each other about X all under the auspices on “sharing,” “clarifying,” and “informing.”  They included a little name calling and a lot of posturing about who was wiser and who was more experienced and who was more knowledgeable.  (And, they used their actual names!)  It might as well have been an exchange similar to this one that Peter Shankman posted here.

To embarass or not to embarass . . . . I considered (briefly) asking the authors for permission to share screen shots of their words with you here but decided not to.  After all, I am embarrassed for both of them.  I hope their colleagues, employers, and referral sources aren’t reading that thread!

Good intentions. Of course, others joined in to take sides, to broaden perspectives, or in an attempt to find common ground.  Some actually unsubscribed from the list citing their reasons (both on / off list) as “too much junk email.”  And, I suspect that many, like me, have just sat back watching the lack of civility and lack of professional communication escalate and then die back down on its own. WHEW!

A few things to consider . . . . If you are new to social media or simply need a few reminders about how to proceed when someone presents ideas that are not in sync with your own, here’s a few to get you started:

• You are not anonymous – especially if you have signed your name!
• Don’t take it personally.  We all have goofy or mistaken ideas on occasion.
• Online communication is limited.  Humor and sarcasm don’t translate well.  Words get twisted or completely omitted.  Tone and intensity are often missing or misunderstood.  And, unfortunately, we tend to not proofread every post before we hit send.
• Take a breath and resist the urge to dash off a knee-jerk, emotional response.  Just B-R-E-A-T-H-E.
• If you do decide to reply, consider the options available.  Is there really a need to respond to the entire discussion list?  Do you have a private email address, phone number, etc.?
• The only time you MUST reply to the entire group is if you’ve messed up (and need to clean up) in public.
• If you are going to write back, find something to agree with.  Can’t find anything?  Then, you aren’t in the frame of mind to professionally respond yet.  (Think about it.  Clients come in every day with values, beliefs, and behaviors that you don’t agree with.  And, yet, you find a way to join with them.  This is the very same skill.)
• After you compose your message and before you hit “Send,” take time to re-read it.  Is there a better way to get your message across.  What’s your goal in sending it?
• Be generous in your response.  Give your reader the benefit of the doubt. . . .  Perhaps they were in a bad mood.  Or maybe they aren’t as experienced as you are . . . . We all have something left to learn.
• Be kind.  If you feel that someone is lacking some information and doesn’t know it, is there a way to pass the info along without making someone feel like an idiot or look like a fool?
• Consider your real motives in responding.  What triggered your reaction?  And, again, what was your goal in sending it?

OK, so maybe you aren’t like me and out to change the world.  Maybe hurt feelings and civility aren’t really of concern to you at all.  What I know is that this is still important to you and here’s the reason why . . . .  Your employer, your referral sources, your colleagues and even your clients have access to your words once you put them out into cyberspace.

As you are building your private practice, remember that any time you are in public – either physically or via technology – you need to have your professional hat on and that includes using professional communication.  Your professional image is on the line.

What else needs to be considered when you run into conflict online?